Eating your emotions.

I've discovered another important thing on this journey that is proving to be the biggest hurdle in continued weight loss.

How do I deal with life?

It's becoming very apparent to me that I've always dealt with my emotions through food.  Stressed out? Grab a bag of cheetos!   Hurt?  Where the hell is the Ben & Jerry's!!  Happy?  Let's celebrate and go out for a big Mexican dinner!  In fact, I never really DID deal with my emotions.  Just stuffed them further down and piled food on top of them so they couldn't get out.  Of course they would still escape sometimes; they manifested themselves at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways towards people who were not at fault. 

Well, that coping mechanism has been gone for over 6 months now and the result was a whole lot of raw emotions that had nowhere to go and no way to work themselves out because I never developed the skills to work through them. 

So here I sit trying to learn how to do something that most children learn at a pretty early age.  What exactly am I feeling right now?  WHY am I feeling it?  Is there a way to move past it?  If so, how? Those questions sound simple, but if they are causing such a high emotional reaction in me then the answer isn't usually the simplest one.

About three weeks back I started swimming to burn some extra calories, build some muscle, and try to increase my weight loss speed.  Simple calorie counting wasn't dropping weight very fast any longer.  I now swim an hour a day, six days a week on average (for an average calorie burn of 4320 per week).  That's a LOT of laps back and forth in the pool and a solid HOUR of thinking time.  My head is clear and I'm focused, but still distracted enough not to let my emotions take over.  I can THINK and not be over emotional.

I can't believe it, but it works.  For instance a while back I was having an icky day at work, trouble in my personal life, and the last thing I wanted to do was swim but I paid for the damn membership (and it came dear to my meager funds) so I was going!  I worked though my issues at work that day in the pool.  I realized that the reason I THOUGHT I was upset about work wasn't real.  There was more behind it and I figured out why I felt that way and came up with a good solid plan for dealing with the issue.  That was over two weeks ago and it really did solve my problems (real or perceived) at work.

Likewise, issues in my personal life.  A very close friend recently said something that truly upset me and I spent a good week thinking I was an awful/selfish person for thinking (even though I never articulated.) my selfish responses about my good friend.  It has really weighed on my mind and bothered me since the conversation.  I honestly could NOT work out why it was upsetting me so much.  I knew there HAD to be more to it since I was having such a strong reaction, but I just didn't know how to GET there. Monday night at the pool I finally managed to work through it and now I can't believe I didn't see it earlier.  OF COURSE I was upset and I wasn't selfish or awful.  The implications of the comment are crystal clear and would be catastrophic to an important relationship in my life. I understand that there is no good solid plan for dealing with it. I can't change someone else, just my reaction to them.  If that person doesn't want to be a part of my life then there isn't anything I can do about it.  I can however move on and let them live their life in peace, wishing them the best.

Since joining the Myfitnesspal (MFP) forums it's becoming clear to me that there is a huge expectation of a perfect life once your weight loss journey has ended.  This results in a huge disappointment and often weight REgain when the truth becomes clear.  Being 'skinny' doesn't mean you spend the rest of your life skipping through a meadow with no worries, troubles, or problems with Unicorns farting rainbows above your head.  A hard and sucky discovery to be sure.  It also sucks that you can't just bury those emotions any longer and eat the pain.  It was so much easier than dealing with it, but I guess it's just not meant to be easy.  To get to the good stuff you have to do the hard work and there are no shortcuts in life.