Journey of weight loss.

From my past experiences, talking to  beloved friends, and my time spent on the forums of MFP (MyFitnessPal) I’m hearing so many expectations about weight loss.    People excited about everything from being able to buy tiny sizes in regular stores to being able to ride roller coasters for the first time in many years.    The most common sentiment seems to be a wish for instant gratification when it comes to weight loss.  So many seem to have a desperate desire to snap their fingers and be that magic number on a scale that they want to be.

I’m having such a different journey than that.  I’m really enjoying the time I’m spending crunching numbers and searching for the best foods for what I need.   I love juggling my calories in with my BMR(Base metabolic rate) and adding (or not if I haven’t worked out) exercise calories and watching how it changes the numbers on the scale.  I love juggling to add fiber and protein to match the numbers I need while still keeping my carb intake nice and level to control my diabetes.   I’ve learned so much about my body that it shocks me I’ve never noticed these things before.  I now know exactly how many calories I can consume and what the deficit needs to be in order to lose 1 lb…or 2 lbs in a week.  I’ve learned to understand when I’m truly hungry and when I’m just upset/scared/nervous/stressed and want to reach for food.  I now know that if my weight loss abruptly stops I can check my food logs and usually find the answers.  I’m either eating too much or has most often happens, not eating nearly enough.  I know that if I drop below 1200 calories per day for more than a few days I’m absolutely not going to lose weight that week.  My body will hang on to every lb of fat as a safety net.  I’ve learned that I need to spend a few days eating an extra 100 or 200 calories to jump start that old metabolism to start that scale moving again. 

Aside from the number crunching and the sense of obsessive control it gives me (Me? A control freak? NEVER!) I love the little changes in my body.  The change in how clothes hang and fit me,  how much easier it is moving around, how much better my knees feel ,  how I can get up the stairs of my apartment 3X faster than I used to and not be winded doing it, and oh just millions of tiny things I’m discovering.  All of this makes me glad I can’t snap my fingers and be at my ideal weight.   Each 10lb milestone brings on so much change that I’m excited about the NEXT 10 lbs to see what’s next.  I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment in setting small goals (like lose 12 lbs by the second week in October) and juggling my calories to meet those goals.  (Please remember to make your goals reasonable or you’ll become frustrated when you don’t meet them.)

I love how different food is to me now.  The things that I used to crave and love are now TOO sweet and TOO salty.  When I do try eating them they don’t taste good and I wind up wishing I had just eaten a piece of fruit or some nuts.  Not because I know that would have been better for me, but because I know it would have TASTED better.    I’ve learned that I don’t NEED to eat when I’m stressed/upset/angry/or whatever.  I don’t sit and pine for a bag of cheesie puffs when I’m upset, I know I can’t eat them.  I know they won’t taste good after the first one or two, and I know they’ll make me HORRIBLY sick (in short term and in the long term).  So no, I’m no longer terrified of falling off the wagon.  I’m not saying it can NEVER happen, but I’m never going to binge like I used to (and BOY could I binge).  I’ m not saying I don’t wish I could sit down some nights and munch my way through a bag of cheesie puffs, I’m just not DESPERATE to do that anylonger.

The expectations are harder to manage.    Throughout my life I’ve been overweight and I always thought about how much HAPPIER I’d be skinny.  It was kind of like reading a romance novel as a teenager and dreaming of the hero on the white horse……you grow up and realize the reality is VERY different.  Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean he remembers to pick up his socks or underwear and it doesn’t mean he remembers to put the toilet seat down.  It doesn’t mean that he’ll never inadvertently hurt your feelings.  It’s just the reality instead of the fantasy.

Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean your troubles disappear and you get to spend the rest of your life in great fitting clothes running through a meadow of flowers.  Even when you’re skinny work still sucks sometimes.  Family still worries you.  Some people will still reject you.  Life isn’t perfect.  Just enjoy the journey; it’s all you can do.